The Fall of Skulduggery
by Tali4ever
Summary: Who stole the Sceptre of the Ancients? Skulduggery is sent to investigate but is captured... What will happen when they find out who he really is?
1. Floating Head

**Hi guys! This is my first ever fan fiction so it is extremely horrible and you probably won't like it but if you bother reading it please review! Criticism is welcome and I hope that against all odds, you enjoy it! :D**

Prologue:

 _Two sorcerers crept under the shadows of the looming buildings, keeping close to the walls. When they reached the Roarhaven Sanctuary, they straightened up. One, the assistant, cast a strong invisibility spell over them both, neither man realising that the assistant's head was not under the spell. They strode confidently into the building, thinking that they couldn't be seen and their plan would succeed._

 _Their plan was of the utmost importance, it was to steal the Sceptre of the Ancients! They were so determined to succeed that when they came upon a Mage, they killed him without a thought. They crept into the room where the Sceptre was kept, stuffed it in a backpack, and began to creep out again. The first thing they saw, though, was Skulduggery Pleasant leaning nonchalantly against a wall, which just happened to be the brick wall they needed to go around, and polishing his revolver. Had he been able to see them, it would have been a strategic spot to stand, but seeing as there was no way on Earth he possibly could, the two sorcerers ducked back inside the room and eventually decided to try and creep around him._

 _One of them held the air around him extra still, while the other took the lead and started to creep around him. However, somehow, the stupid skeleton shot a leg out, effectively tripping both himself and the man (the man was rather fat). He got up first and calmly shot 6 bullets into the man's head, the latter who was dead within moments._

 _His partner, meanwhile, terrified, relaxed his hold on the spell holding the air in place. As horrified as he was, he forced himself to keep moving as his shield from sight had now disappeared. He ran into the cover of the night and the thick expanse of trees._

Skulduggery's P.O.V:

 _I had stayed late in the Sanctuary finishing that dratted report Ghastly insisted I do before the night was up- like I didn't have other things that I needed to do! Oh wait, I didn't, but that was beside the point. He insisted that he had been reminding me for the past few days (which he hadn't)and expected it on his desk by 9am sharp next morning or else. So here I was, taking a long-deserved break after finally finishing the report filled with my witty intelligence. I had spent two hours on it and even though I couldn't technically get tired, I certainly felt tired. The only thing that could fix my mood would be some action, which was literally impossible, seeing as there was a mage on patrol and the chances of anyone getting into one of the most secure buildings in the world in the first place were slim. They would need nothing short of invisibility!_

 _Even so, against all the odds, I thought I heard a muffled scream and went off to investigate. As arrived at the place of the scream, I was just in time to see the door where the Sceptre was kept swing shut. On the other side of the wall, the Mage who had been on patrol lay still and in a large pool of blood. Without checking, I knew that he was undoubtedly dead._

 _I waited on that same wall for the Sceptre's door to open once again, pretending to be polishing my beautiful revolver while I waited. After a short time, it did, but almost immediately shut again, presumably at the sight of me. I was just about to walk away to another corner, pretending to be innocently unaware of their presence, when the door once again opened. Under no circumstances did I expect to see what I saw next, but I kept my cool and appeared relaxed, even thought I was shocked inside. For what I saw was a FLOATING HEAD. A HEAD! It's eyes darted to me (OH MY GOD IT WAS ALIVE) and I immediately deduced that if it was alive, the rest of its body must be too, so the owner of the head must have been under an invisibility spell and forgotten to cover their head. Yes, I am extremely intelligent!_

 _Suddenly, I felt the air around me tighten and even if I hadn't already known he was there, I would certainly know now. I mean, the air doesn't just tighten and hold in place all by itself! What sort of idiot would do that when trying to escape unnoticed?! I waited for the man to come closer, and as he was almost right next to me, I stuck a leg out, effectively tripping him. However, one thing I had not counted on was the weight of the rest of his body. As he fell over my leg, his simply tremendous weight brought me crashing down in a rather undignified manner too. My leg narrowly avoided being crushed and I prised myself out from under him in a panic. As his head was the only part of him that I could see and I didn't know what position the rest of his body would be in, I chose to empty my gun of its bullets in his head. Almost immediately, I noticed that the air around me relaxed and the shield around the man dropped. As I bent down to take a closer look at the body, I felt a small breeze but accustomed it to the night air. I searched for the Sceptre but couldn't find it and that was when I realised that he must have had a partner in crime. I noticed bloody footprints leading towards the night and immediately raised the alarm, calling a grumpy Ghastly and a sleepy Erskine._

 **Review!**


	2. No-Brainer

Ring ring...

Ghastly answered.

"Hello?"

"Hello."

"Is that you, Skulduggery?"

"No, it's me Skulduggery."

"That's what I said!"

"No, you said is it you, Skulduggery, whereas I said its me, Skulduggery."

Ghastly sighed, knowing Skulduggery wouldn't drop the topic unless he did it first.

"What is it, it is 2am in the morning for goodness sakes!"

"Well, I was in the Sanctuary doing that report you forced me to do without a moment's notice beforehand and-"

"I did so! I reminded you for days on end but-"

"Did not"

"Did so"

"Did not"

Did so"

"It's not my fault it didn't register in your nonexistent brain."

"I do so have a brain!" Skulduggery yelled indignantly.

"No," Ghastly said in an over-calm voice, which only served to infuriate Skulduggery further, "Your brain got fried when you were burnt to death".

"Did not!"

"Did so!"

"Ha! You said did so!"

Ghastly sighed "Unless you get to the point Skulduggery, I will hang up on you, and go back to my NICE WARM BED WHICH YOU WOKE ME UP FROM TO ARGUE ABOUT YOUR BRAIN'S NONEXISTENCE!"

When Ghastly got angry, even Skulduggery sometimes got scared. After all, being a fellow Dead Man, he had seen what Ghastly was capable of. Besides, he really had to report what had happened.

"Fine, fine," he sulked. "I'll tell you now. Well, first I was doing the report you forced me to do and then someone screamed so I went to investigate and then the Mage on duty was dead and someone had gone into the room where the Sceptre of the Ancients was kept so I waited for them to come out so I could knock them out and retrieve the Sceptre and then something did come out but it was a floating head and I tripped it's body but the body was really fat and I got squished but I managed to crawl out and I shot the person in the head and the sorcerer died and then I realised there was another person but he or she escaped and they stole the Sceptre so now we have to find it and..." Skulduggery said in one long breath which went on and on and on and on and on. However, he trailed off at Ghastly's furious, disbelieving voice. He was quite sure by this point that this was all a prank and was (unsurprisingly) extremely annoyed.

"So you're telling me that in the middle of the night, you were attacked by a floating head with a fat body that squashed you and whose partner you didn't see, and whose partner escaped with one of the most closely guessed artefacts in the world. COULD'NT YOU HAVE WAITED UNTIL LATER TO PRANK ME, WHEN I HAD HAD A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP AND COULD JUST ABOUT PUT UP WITH YOUR NONSENSE?!"

Skulduggery gulped. "When you put it like that, it doesn't sound quite so believable, even to me, but I swear on my wife and child's graves that it is perfectly true."

Ghastly moaned and rubbed his forehead. He knew now that it wasn't actually a prank, as unbelievable as it sounded, as Skulduggery never swore on his wife and child's graves unless he was talking in the utmost sincerity. And he certainly wouldn't do it for a prank. Grudgingly, he replied:

"In that case, you'd better go call Erskine. And be nice. I'm sure he'll agree that he doesn't like being woken up at this time in the morning. And that you don't have a brain."

"Ok" came Skulduggery's voice. "And I do so have a brain, which I will prove when I see you tomorrow. Adios!"

Ghastly exhaled with relief and set the telephone on the table, glad that Skulduggery's annoying voice would not be heard one more time- not for him, anyway, as he felt like he would explode if he heard one more word from that man. Skeleton. Conscience. Whatever. He walked back a couple of paces and flopped down on his bed, thinking over the night's strange events. He was just drifting to sleep when he heard Skulduggery's voice come out of the telephone AGAIN! How had he managed to get through?!

"Um, Ghastly," came the voice.

"What?" Ghastly growled in a menacing voice.

"How do you end the call?"

"Like this. And if you call me one more time I will absolutely murder you."

Ghastly growled and slammed the phone shut, abruptly cutting off the call. On the other end, Skulduggery listened to the static for several moments before realising that the call had been cut off.

'Did I do something wrong?' He wondered to himself.

He called Ghastly to ask.


	3. Banana Man

**Let's just all forget that I haven't forgotten anything important such as a the extremely important line of writing here: ⬇️**

 **Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, the belong to a certain Mr Derek Landy. (who happens to be publishing a new book next next month! I can't wait!)**

 **Here is the next chapter.**

Skulduggery called Erskine next, determined to prove to Ghastly that he definitely did have a brain which had not been fried at all!

 _Flashback_ :

When he had called Ghastly to ask him what he had done wrong, he had heard Ghastly punching the wall and loudly threatening to do the same to him tomorrow. Then he had been hung up on again! Skulduggery had started to go away when the phone rang. He picked it up and saw that it was Ghastly. Grumbling to himself that it was unfair that Ghastly got to call him but not the other way around, he answered the call.

There was silence for several moments and just as Skulduggery was about to hang up, Ghastly's voice boomed out of the receiver, saying to ask Erskine what he thought of whether Skulduggery was a brainless fool or not. It scared what little life Skulduggery had left out of him, and made him drop the phone in fright. On the other end, Ghastly heard a muffled whumph and smirked as he realised what had happened. He hung up. Skulduggery frowned, annoyed, when he heard static. He picked the phone up and put it back in its place.

 _Flashback end._

 _Ring ring._..

Erskine answered the call.

Skulduggery felt a strong sense of déjà vu as Erskine sleepily muttered into the phone:

"Hello? Is that you, Skulduggery?"

This time, instead of arguing, Skulduggery simply replied cheerfully that yes it was him.

"What are you doing calling me at this time in the day?"

"I'm not."

"Yeah you are. Unless this is a dream in which case I should hang up right now." Erskine yawned.

Panicking, Skulduggery hastily replied:

"oh, no, no, I can assure you that it's not in the slightest bit a dream."

"So why are you calling me at this time in the day?"

"I'm not. It's night."

"No it's not. It's day."

"Oh, who cares, Erskine? It's not important" Skulduggery irritably muttered. "There are other more important things which I wish to discuss with you."

"Actually, the time is very important. If we couldn't tell whether it was day or night, our body's systems would become confused, causing us to lose concentration and-"

"Ok, ok. Fine then. I don't know how I put up with you all day! Daytime and nighttime are very important, blah blah blah blah blah."

"They are important though!"

"Yes, yes, of course they are. What I wanted to tell you was that I was in the Sanctuary doing that report on that case you and Ghastly made me do even though you didn't tell me beforehand and you insisted you did tell me about but actually didn't and then I finally finished and can you believe that it had 2738 words and then I was bored and then someone-"

Skulduggery was cut of by an Erskine who had been finding it harder and harder to keep his eyes open suddenly muttering:

"Come back banana man- I want to become a mermaid and wear seashell bras and necklaces and play with you in the tree!"

Deeply disturbed by this strange comment, Skulduggery shouted into the phone:

"WAKE UP THIS INSTANT ERSKINE! DO NOT GO TO SLEEP!"

Erskine briefly wondered in his sleep why Skulduggery was the banana/mermaid before he startled awake.

"Skulduggery, sensing that Erskine had woken once again but was on the brink of slipping into unconsciousness, decided that his story could be told tomorrow and he had more important things to discuss, such as the existence of his brain.

"Erskine?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think I'm clever?"

"You're a clever celery."

Confused but undeterred by the this, Skulduggery continued.

"So that means that just like everyone else I have a brain, right?"

"What a strange question! Are you sure you're all right?" Even in his sleepy state Erskine managed to find sense.

"Of course you have a brain!"

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Do you mean it?"

Erskine, deciding that the conversation would be over sooner and he could get to bed quicker if he told the truth, decided to just tell the truth.

"No."

Skulduggery was hurt. He had previously been so full of excitement at being able to prove Ghastly wrong and now... Now here was Erskine, siding against him! How could no one realise that his brain was still there?

"What do you mean?" He whispered sadly.

"Well," Erskine said matter-of-factly, "everyone knows that even a brain as good as yours couldn't possibly have survived that fire!" He then promptly drifted off.

Skulduggery sadly hung up by whacking the phone until it had a huge dent in it, something he had learnt to do from Ghastly.

 **Review! *clap clap clap* Review! *clap clap clap* Review! Ok, hopefully I've gotten it into your brains (which exist unlike a certain someone's...)! I will hopefully be posting the next chapter either tomorrow or the day after. Oh, and I know this is a bit early but before I forget, please let me know if you would like me to include a twist of Balduggery (aghhhh why? It happens everytime!) I mean Valduggery into the story later on? Other pairings are also welcome.**


	4. Pink Mist

**Sorry this is sooooo short and that I haven't updated for such a long time!**

 **disclaimer: these characters are not mine. Now I am sad.**

Skulduggery had been sent by the Grand Mage (he was still indignant that _Erskine_ , of all people, now had the power to order him around) on a mission to retrieve the stolen Sceptre of the Ancients. It had been discovered where the sorcerer lived and well, now he had to find it because as Ghastly said, he was the one who wanted a case! Of course, no one had listened when he had argued that yes, he had wanted a case, but not one that consisted of searching a house, but one that involved some action!Luckily, Skulduggery was not without protection, as he was inside a cloaking sphere and had a video camera attached to his collar.

2 hours later:

He sighed as he exited what seemed like the four hundredth room without finding anything that looked even remotely interesting. Why couldn't the man live in the normal boring looking type of house that all the bad guys seemed to live in nowadays? Why this giant mansion of a house?

The moment he entered the last room, however, he felt that something wasn't right. The air was too carefully placed, unusually precise and still. When he moved the air barely stirred. He hastily started to back out of the room, realising that he had allowed himself to get distracted. This was exactly the sort of thing he regularly lectured Valkyrie about. If she caught him doing this, there was no doubt she would tease him mercilessly until he begged her to stop. And begging was something the Skeleton Detective never did. As he continued his journey out of the room, he was stopped by an invisible force field. As he rebounded off it, he felt himself tread on something hard. He looked down to see a big red button reading DO NOT PRESS! Before he could react, it sent an electric shot through his body. Seeing as Skulduggery didn't actually have nerves, it only made him stagger into the wall. Unfortunately, as he crashed into it, his elbow caught and pulled down a lever that said DO NOT PULL! Instinctively jumping backwards, not wanting to get another electric shot, his shoe flicked up a piece of floorboard, falling so that he came face-to-face with a tube. He froze. Nothing happened. After a while, he relaxed. He exhaled in relief, thinking that it must have all just been a trick to scare him away. Too late, he noticed the words DO NOT BLOW INTO TUBE and was helpless as the tube shuddered and started seeping a surprisingly large amount of pink mist into the room. At the same time, a perfume started to drift out of the ventilation shaft, perfume that knocked him unconscious, along with the aid of a large metal ball which swung from the ceiling, cracking into his skull with such force that it sent him flying. He landed in a crumpled heap on the ground, as the mist that was still seeping out of the tube drifted into his skull...

Ghastly had been horrifiedly watching the whole thing from the camera on Skulduggery's collar. As Skulduggery landed, the camera lens was blocked and the screen went black. Cursing Skulduggery's name, Ghastly ran out of the room shouting at the others' names.

 **Hope you liked it! I'll honestly try to update soon!**


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